Sunday, December 28, 2014

The emotional baggage

I knew this day would come but I was still surprised when I realized that, just like me, you have a history of your own before we happened. We've both been hurt, maybe multiple times. We both have people that we may never get over or wounds that will never really close. We had our hearts broken, yet we are here and brave enough to reach out our hands: "Here lie my imperfect, scared, cynical-yet-refused-to-be-jaded pieces. I give you the power to break me again." We are the survivors. We are the braves, the believers. I think that's the beauty of falling for someone again; that's the single most beautiful thing about me falling for you.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

The part of me that is not missing but dead

People say you fall in love and 
fall out of love, 
but once you love somebody, you never really stop loving them. 
You fell out of love 
with me. 
No matter what I do, who I am with, how successful I am, 
I always feel a part of me is dead. 
You cut a hole in my history, and I can never really feel complete again.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

All we have is this moment

Here we are, you holding me in your arms. I want to look into your brown eyes but I can't get over how the strands of your hair fall so softly on your forehead. No words are said. Questions would fall into silence; we are both scared of the unknown. Your silence reminds me that all I have is this present moment. I can't alter your past or anticipate our future. I squeeze your arms a little tighter as if it helps me hold on to this moment longer, as if it makes this moment with you more real. All we ever have is each other right now. And that much is enough for me.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

As simple as a change of heart

Sometimes all that's left is silence. Sometimes answers are not important anymore, when it could have just been as simple as a change of heart.

One day, maybe in the past, maybe in the near future, I have, or will stop being in love with you, and then stop loving you altogether. But will I stop caring? Should I stop caring, when it is ingrained in the survival instinct of a woman to take care of whom she loves, but it brings shots of pain to my heart to even hear your voice?

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Unspectacular in infinity

All at once everything was lost
Yet somewhere else it could be found

Friday, July 25, 2014

Moments scribbled down

Laughter, tears, memories, memories of memories, alcohol, throw up, all nighter, nightmare, slacking off, ... we did it all

BFF1: "Ye every time I think about him I just want to throw up, like my stomach gets really sick. That's why people drink till they throw up because of intoxication not of memories I guess."
BFF2: "Lol or you just forget the whole thing and eat cupcakes with your friends"

BFF1: "I just needed him to tell me that it's over. He said dating his new girlfriend gave him "perspective". Aah"
BFF2: "Perspective"? Lol. I guess you need some of that too girl"

BFF2: "Still talking to him is not impossible, but it's hard. And you two don't bro out. You will never be bros, then you have to be someone that he wants to be friends with."
BFF1: "Nah I think I'm just gonna be me."
BFF2: "Now I feel dumb"

BFF2: "And the worst part about the whole thing is that he's short. He acts like he's gonna come back and take care of us poor people, and that puts shame to all the taller people like me!"

Friday, July 18, 2014

Have a good day

When I tell you "Have a good day", I don't mean just another mindless substitute for an awkward goodbye. I mean "go on and make the best out of today". Put on make up, or wear no make up at all. I mean "smile at strangers and be nice to one another". Try something new and call an old friend. Feel the feelings you've not had in a while. For life is so short and will end in no predictable way, why not take this opportunity and make the best out of it?

So when someone tells you to "have a good day", stop taking it as an empty goodbye. Go out there and have the best day of your life.

(Dedicated to the beautiful bartender who gave me an undercooked taco. My breakfast sucked but you're still beautiful and our relationship is still OK)

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Hearts can heal

For all the air that's in your lungs
For all the joy that is to come
For all the things that you're alive to feel
Just let the pain remind you hearts can heal

(A Paramore song)

Monday, June 23, 2014


 I remember driving back home with you last February. It was chilli outside but I wanted to wear a dress to our date. I remember feeling so warm and cozy in the passenger seat, watching lights passing by in my half-closed, sleepy eyes, telling you everything in between nothing. Then my favorite song at the time came on and I told you I loved the song. You asked why and your question fell into silence. Then you started tapping your fingers to the beats and singing quietly. You already told me you never sing around other people. The yellow street lights slowed down and stopped on your smile. That's my favorite memory of us. I can close my eyes, think about those 2 minutes, and feel so happy and peaceful. I will forever be grateful for that.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Sleepless nights

“I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand & the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep & there are no words for that.”

- Brian Andreas, Story People: Selected Stories & Drawings of Brian Andreas 

Monday, June 16, 2014

I am still in love with you

It's fucking hard letting you go. It's as hard as accepting that control is an illusion, that fate somehow did not work on us. It hurts. It hurts everyday. I told you I deliberately chose to stay with you every morning of the past 1,096 days. I can't help but wonder: Can I one day tell myself to let you go?

Sunday, June 8, 2014

I'm happy you found better love than me

Love is finding someone that has a smile you adore and that you can have an enjoyable and meaningful conversation with. Love is not being able to forget her crooked nose and the crinkles in her mouth. Love is learning how to love her when she is sick, bitchy, grumpy, at her worst, and at her best. Love is learning how to accept the imperfections of her personality, the brokenness in her heart, and the totalness of her soul. Love is putting labor into making things that are, at first sight,unaligned work. Love is tolerance, acceptance, forgiveness, putting each other first, holding on and letting go at the right moment, gratitude, and generosity.

People complain that finding true love is difficult in this crazy world. Truth is, people cannot get over their egos and selfishness. It's not hard to find love; it's hard learning how to love one right.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Remember the green light you saw tonight. It's yours

The feeling in your heart.
Your highest sense of purpose.
A worldview larger than yourself.
A sense of empathy with others.
A desire to be of service.
An understanding that you are unique in the universe.
An understanding that you deserve to be happy and fulfilled.

Friday, May 16, 2014

We are all just navigating the stars

I wish you a life full of challenges and obstacles, from which you will rise above with more experience and resilience. I wish you a life full of not just joy and happiness, but with sadness and tears, so that you will never take someone you love for granted while they are still by your side. I wish you a life that is your own and that is fulfilling in a sense that you and only you can define. Your life ahead will be of anything but the sureness and security you have always had, and it will be more exciting and fulfilling than any years that have passed by. So be brave, my friend. We are all just navigating the stars, trying to figure out how to not waste this precious gift called life. Be brave because in the end, we as star matters will find our place in the world.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

A sunset watching place

Sometimes I just want to watch a good sunset: An open field, wind blowing through my fingers, golden clouds, a burning sun. Traffic noise zones out when I watch the sun descending. The world becomes a quiet place. The different textures and colors of the horizon always makes me really happy. I feel silly to smile ear-to-ear for no particular reason.

Sometimes I just want to watch the sunset, not because it makes me happy. I don't need a reason to be completely, absolutely, honestly, happy. So I walk across the street to an open field where the wind caresses my skin. It's so good to be alive. It is so good.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Why I played a game I knew I would lose

That night after our second date, I lied in my bed, half asleep half drunk, and told my roommate that I might actually love you. 

No, truth is, I am fucking in love with you. I love the way your mouth crinkles when you laugh at me. I love you and the way your eyes stare into me and look through me. How you tilt your head back just slightly to take a sip of beer without ever taking your eyes off me. How you always sit across from me and talk so low. The way you tap your fingers to our favorite song.  How you are the only person that can make me stumble. I try so hard when I'm with you. I am well-put-together, got-my-shit-together Amy around you. I fucking love you and hate you, for all the same reasons.
If we this has to be a game,
I lost. I love you and I can't contain it inside.

Just thought maybe you should know.

Keep a part of us with you

People move on too fast for me.

I know relationships wear out and expire and everything, but people just fly by. Did they feel what I felt? Will they remember me half as much as I will miss them? Sometimes just a few more days or another text message would make the closure so much easier. It hurts to watch people walk on by so effortlessly. Hey, I loved you, and you too, and you, please don't forget us just yet. It was so good when we were together, laughing at our silly games. It felt so good. Please remember us. Remember me. When I know that you will at least keep a piece of us with you, I will be the one to kiss you goodbye.

A mid-sentence closure

It's the end of the book and you have to accept it.

There's no rule against a chapter ending at mid-sentence even if it may be abrupt. No explanation is given. Nothing. It is rude and incomplete. But that's all you get, and there's nothing you can do about it but to put the book back up on the shelf. Maybe the book was good enough that one day you would re-read it and understand what was not written between the lines. Maybe one day the author will be kind enough to release a sequel, explaining if the hero/ heroine survived/ fell in love/ saved the world. But for now, you just got to take the unanswered as the answer. 

Because it is all that you can have, you just got to accept it, hope that one day you will forget how beautiful the story was, and move on.