Tuesday, October 20, 2015

How I lost my faith

I did not lose faith on the day after my heart got broken. I did not decide that I've hurt enough, that I should give up on love once and for all.

I was more like a rock in the ocean, taking white waves after white waves, and one day when the sun rose and the world woke up, it found me already turned into a million particles of sand.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

I'm terrified

Kurt Vonnegut said we can only fall in love three times in our life.

By now I know the flirting and the phases. I know the fight and the make up. I know what I want and who I can work with. I know too much I'm afraid I will never be crazy about anyone again.

I'm terrified that I will end up with a complete checklist instead of someone I love.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

There are the years that ask questions

There are the years that I crumble, and there are years that I slowly pick up my pieces whislt collecting scars.

There are the years that I drink just so I can sleep and get high just so I can cry.

There are the years that I drink spiked coffee for breakfast and spiked hot chocolate before bed, knowing that I am happy right at this moment and everything will be OK.

And I know some day I will buy myself a ring because I put myself first, and some time in the future I will give that ring to my daughter, hoping that she knows she belongs to herself before anyone else.

There are the years that ask question
and the ones that answer.
_Zoey Neal Hurlston

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

The essence of you

There are things you think I want from you.

Like sipping a martini on our first date when playing with your feet under the table. The first time you kiss my ears. Or your nice suit and nice car. Like the time you look into my eyes and tell me you've never felt this way with anyone else before.

But these things don't make up the essence of you. What I want, is to know your insecurities when you're alone in your bedroom. I want to see the things that command all your attention. Your beauty and your ugliness. I want to know why darkness haunts you and how the rocks crumble beneath you.

Can I touch your soul?

Monday, August 24, 2015

The thunderstorm in my head

 I miss you. I miss the feelings I had when I was with you, laying under the sheets. Watching weekend mornings rose. Listening to the rain on Saturday afternoons. Feeling the grains of your skin.

There is a quiet ache in my heart and a heavy stone in my throat that you won't ever understand.

But I will go to sleep tonight.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

I am too young to feel this way

I want to be patient with myself. I want to tell myself that it's OK to feel the way I feel, that it's OK to be the person I am. 

I want to be OK.

But I knew it was not normal to cry in my closet every other day. It was not normal to collapse into my bed at the end of every day exhausted. Wanting more. Unhappy. Questioning fairness and if I deserve what I have.

I question my decision to fall in love over and over again. I am too young to say "after all I have been through". Yet after all I have been through, is it bravery or stupidity that I have?

Saturday, June 6, 2015


Soon enough, no person, place, or time zone, will make you feel like home.

You will only have the bones of your body to carry the weight of your heavy heart.

That hollow space under your skin and beneath your veins, is the only true home.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

The art of starting over

If your are brave enough to see the sunrise and watch the sunset, day after day, then you are brave enough to start over.

If you have allowed yourself to fall into the darkest hole in your soul, where a black hole eats away your emotions, thoughts, and feelings, and if you have drowned yourself in the tears you cried, then you are strong enough to make peace with your soul. 

You can forgive yourself.
You can be patient.
Even the darkness has arms,
You can fall asleep
You will start over again.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

I'm not myself

Sometimes my hands they don't 
feel like my own
I need 
someone to love 
I need 
someone to hold
(Red Dust)

Monday, April 13, 2015

The endless sadness that I feel

If I were to believe that we are here for a reason, a mission, mine would be to feel all the sadness of the world. 

Chicago is gorgeous and sad. 

New York is filled with people, yet sadness sips through the concrete, the glass doors, every leaf that ever turned yellow and fell down in Central Park.

I'd like to think that there's a certain beauty in feeling this way. A poetic way of blues.

Not depression that will eventually void me of wholesome love for anything, anyone,
And life.

Friday, April 10, 2015

The life I could have lived

It's one thing to realize that you have turned into the person you hate.

To realize that your soul has become someone you pity, is another great tragedy.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Happiness is a state of mind

When I hear "living the present moment", I think about being under the sheets with you, watching the last lights of the sunset slide through our fingers like a red, slow-motion waterfall.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

A meditative state

For all the miles that I will walk
For the dust that will be on my shoes

Saturday, February 28, 2015

here today

Bad things happen to the angels of the world. Everytime an angel is picked out of my life, I feel the weight they left to the world behind them on my shoulders. The weight to love more, to live more, to never be afraid and never feel lonely.

Give me strength when the walls melt away at night and the dark sky collapses.

Give me strength.

Friday, February 27, 2015

A perfect afternoon

We're lying on the moon
It's a perfect afternoon
Your shadow follows me all day
Making sure that I'm okay and
We're a million miles away

(The Moon Song)

Saturday, February 21, 2015

How to leave someone you love

Break up with him.

Know that before both hearts can completely heal, he will be falling for someone else's lips, smiles, and the way she dresses. Maybe he will love her in a way he never did with you.

It will feel like you're going to die. You're out of breath, drowning in pain. But before long you will be doing the same thing. Falling for someone so fast. It will take your breath away.

One day, it will come to you that he probably forgot how you used to smile when he woke up next to you in the morning. You will know, because you're starting to forget the color of his eyes, too.

One day, it will take efforts to remember that you were, once, in love with this faceless person in some distant past.

That, is how you leave someone you love and break your own heart.

The day I get married

There will come a day when I get down on my knees and say: "I will go to the deepest oceans and the highest mountains with you. In sickness and in health, I will never leave you". When I can make that promise to myself, I will finally learn the meaning of true love.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Can we know too much about love?

I still find it exhilarating to learn about you but I can calculate the chance that we won't last without even trying. Do I know too much or am I just cynical?

You said you would not hurt hurt me and kiss my forehead. In my head, I was thinking how innocent a girl has to be to believe a man's word.