Cigarettes after sex

You are the drug I didn't know I needed
A complete disregard for the rising sun
As if my heart has never been broken
And summer nights would never end.

Time is just a place in my mind

Five years later, I have learned how to love myself.

I have also learned that as black and white coexist, our world holds so much contradiction, like how loving myself never stopped me from loving you.

Five years later.

Nothing really changes about love

I can't go online without looking you up, knowing very well what I see will hurt me. It doesn't stop me anymore, knowing that pain is inevitable. Like how I'd do it all over again if given a time machine, even now when I know we were meant to break. I've seen how this love break me to pieces and take me years to move on.
I'd still choose you all over again.

The hurt

I clicked on the wrong tab today. One with our last chat history opened. Angry words, bickering jealousy, restlessness, and sadness all came back at one. Suddenly the memories didn't seem so far away. Suddenly I felt hurt like it was only yesterday.

How did something beautiful like our love turn me into such an ugly person? Because I didn't have you, and you wouldn't have me?

Over it

To the boy who never loved me:

"I loved you anyway"

Now that you've forgotten what happened with us

What do I do, when all I tried to give was love, kindness, and respect, and all you gave in return were text messages that were never sent?

I was overcompensating for what, I don't know. I was trying to love you, forgive you, and then forget us. I shook myself up and left it behind, knowing that I tried my best.

Still, the lingering bitterness on my tongue reminds me that you didn't deserve it all.

We shall be friends no matter what

"You broke me"
"You were already broken before we met".

Young love

The way you move
makes me want to sing
about
young love

Why didn't you love me when you could?

I think you could have been the one. On paper we checked all the boxes. But I don't think you will ever love me the way I need. I was always trying to love you, and the most you could utter was that noone ever loved you the way I did.

Baby I don't want you to love me because I love you. Love is not a favour you pay in return.

I want you to say that Amy, damn it, you are so weird. You talk about things noone cares about and you act like a child. Stop acting like a child. Damn it Amy why are you so broken and why do you stare at the light with that empty look? You are bipolar, you're a hypocrite, you're a clean freak. You are so weird, so broken, so full of contradictions, and it annoys the fuck out of me but I fucking love you Amy.

You didn't love me like that, did you?

The distance between us

I was curling up in your arms, my head laying on your shoulders, my hand feeling the quiet beating inside your chest. Yet I know our hearts both belonged to somewhere we had left behind.

You were lying next to me and holding my hands. You smiled at me but I wasn't sure if it was a tired smile, or a sympathetic smile for all the memories we couldn't have because we could not and would not be together anymore.
 
The distance between us is not measured by transoceanic airplane flights or cross-continent train rides. I cannot travel the distance between our hearts.

Unafraid

Sunsets don't hurt the way they used to.

I never even considered the possibility of potentially growing old alone, without a partner. But now, when dating seems equally joyful and hurtful, when there seems to be better things in life that having a family and kids, that possibility seems more real. It creeps in my dreams at night when I lie between cold sheets, alone in bed.

But my heart doesn't ache at loneliness anymore. I am no longer afraid. Being able to share the wonders of the world with someone is a blessing, but, just maybe, some people aren't meant to be with anyone else. Maybe they are to spend time loving themselves, better and deeper every single day. Then so be it.

I am not anti-love. I love love.

And so if I meet you and fall in love, you will know how special you are. I will not be wanting love; I will be wanting you. Despite being happier when I'm single, despite not needing another to feel complete, I will still want to be with you.  

Stranger, I will love you, despite it all.

The "casual" vulnerability with you

We can have a casual sexual relationship.

But will it ever be casual, how my skin feels against your body and your bed sheets? Will it be casual, when my fingers fill the gaps between yours? Will it ever be casual, the secrets we share when my head lies on your chest?

I let a little vulnerability slipped when you introduce me to your girlfriend. A casual sort of pain.

How I lost my faith

I did not lose faith on the day after my heart got broken. I did not decide that I've hurt enough, that I should give up on love once and for all.

I was more like a rock in the ocean, taking white waves after white waves, and one day when the sun rose and the world woke up, it found me already turned into a million particles of sand.

I'm terrified

Kurt Vonnegut said we can only fall in love three times in our life.

By now I know the flirting and the phases. I know the fight and the make up. I know what I want and who I can work with. I know too much I'm afraid I will never be crazy about anyone again.

I'm terrified that I will end up with a complete checklist instead of someone I love.

There are the years that ask questions

There are the years that I crumble, and there are years that I slowly pick up my pieces whislt collecting scars.

There are the years that I drink just so I can sleep and get high just so I can cry.

There are the years that I drink spiked coffee for breakfast and spiked hot chocolate before bed, knowing that I am happy right at this moment and everything will be OK.

And I know some day I will buy myself a ring because I put myself first, and some time in the future I will give that ring to my daughter, hoping that she knows she belongs to herself before anyone else.

There are the years that ask question
and the ones that answer.
_Zoey Neal Hurlston

The essence of you

 berlin-artparasites

There are things you think I want from you.

Like sipping a martini on our first date when playing with your feet under the table. The first time you kiss my ears. Or your nice suit and nice car. Like the time you look into my eyes and tell me you've never felt this way with anyone else before.

But these things don't make up the essence of you. What I want, is to know your insecurities when you're alone in your bedroom. I want to see the things that command all your attention. Your beauty and your ugliness. I want to know why darkness haunts you and how the rocks crumble beneath you.

Can I touch your soul?

The thunderstorm in my head

 I miss you. I miss the feelings I had when I was with you, laying under the sheets. Watching weekend mornings rose. Listening to the rain on Saturday afternoons. Feeling the grains of your skin.

There is a quiet ache in my heart and a heavy stone in my throat that you won't ever understand.

But I will go to sleep tonight.

I am too young to feel this way

 The Road is Home

I want to be patient with myself. I want to tell myself that it's OK to feel the way I feel, that it's OK to be the person I am. 

I want to be OK.

But I knew it was not normal to cry in my closet every other day. It was not normal to collapse into my bed at the end of every day exhausted. Wanting more. Unhappy. Questioning fairness and if I deserve what I have.

I question my decision to fall in love over and over again. I am too young to say "after all I have been through". Yet after all I have been through, is it bravery or stupidity that I have?

Home

Soon enough, no person, place, or time zone, will make you feel like home.

You will only have the bones of your body to carry the weight of your heavy heart.

That hollow space under your skin and beneath your veins, is the only true home.

The art of starting over

If your are brave enough to see the sunrise and watch the sunset, day after day, then you are brave enough to start over.

If you have allowed yourself to fall into the darkest hole in your soul, where a black hole eats away your emotions, thoughts, and feelings, and if you have drowned yourself in the tears you cried, then you are strong enough to make peace with your soul. 

You can forgive yourself.
You can be patient.
Even the darkness has arms,
You can fall asleep
You will start over again.